What about me ?... (dami)

Some have been requesting news about us... It was ok to ignore that for a month, but now i can't find any more excuse so here it is: THE ONE AND TRUE TALE OF HOW I BECAME...

First thing is that the inner experience i'm going through is much more difficult to share than anything else! So dont worry if you dont understand, or think i'm crazy... everything makes sense to me, much more than anytime in my life before!

I pretty much always knew that pitw is good, both mentally and physically speaking. Well that's one idea of mine that wont change! For the rest, it's not so sure!
It's just amazing to realize how much we all have to learn: about the world, about humans, and about ourselves. There's so little we know about our own mind...
I feel very sensitive to that particular issue now that i've spent ten days on a meditative retreat (at Tushita Meditation Center in Daramkot). Basically we were not allowed to speak with each others, and spent our days either getting teachings from bouddhists monks and nuns (Thank you to Venerable Sarah who spent so much time speaking with us), or meditating. That could sound like a strange idea, but i think it's necessary thing to do. Dont worry i wont come back shaved and dressed with an orange and red dress! So far, i used to say that there's no god down here, nor up there. I was rather reluctant to any ideas about mysticism because i never had any esoteric experience that could prove me anything. But somehow meeting monks that have trained all their life into meditation and into the way of the Bouddha, somehow doubts have blossomed in my mind as i was trying to understand their way. Doubts about everything. It probably wont make any sense to you, but doing some meditation on death, impermanence or emptiness, really made me experience some states of mind that i had never gone through before; especially about death! And again: meeting a monk is enough to feel that you're not on the same spiritual level: and he seems to feel much better than any of us!

From a more practical point of view, there's a lot to think about what bouddhism says about Anger and Attachment for exemple; about how they are the two main causes of delusions and suffering in our lives. It really sounds strange to think about it this way, but what bouddhism says is basically that our own mind is creating all our suffering itself. Not intentionally, but because there's so much mud in our minds, that we dont see the true nature of reality. Hard to know if it's monks' fantasy... it does sound very different from everythying i was told before?... and monks are not supposed to lie anyway... and if i look closely there's got to be something about them! Always smiling and laughing about everything, loving towards all beings (from MY own being to the mosquitoes...), peacefull... Ten days is very short as you dont have much time to go into the very subbtle notions that we learned about, but it's enough to get the basics that make sense. And from that i feel the great need now to experience it in my everyday life. What can i gain from training in being mindfull about my own thoughts? Can I also feel better by being compassionate towards all sentient beings? What can i do to avoid self inflicted suffering? It makes a lot of sense to me that everyone should be treated equally, but it's hard to feel the same about your friends, enemy and strangers... Who is the "i" to which i'm so attached and stuck? Where does he come from?... What is he in the middle of the emptiness? I spent one hour meditating on understanding why i'm not an ant or a monkey... and couldn't find any reason! Once again it might sound totally obscure, crazy, senseless, useless... but who knows what it feels like to experience it? I do because i have for ten short days. And i've discovered great things happen inside, in the "mind", in that place into which you never look because you're so occupied with thoughts!
Whatever this whole bouddhist spirituality says, it resonates with me on a lot of ideas. Monks are a real source of inspiration and trust, and meditation actually is really usefull to create a link between mind and thoughts. I hope i can explain that to you directly sooner or later because i cant make my point here! You'll see what change you can feel when i come back. Hopefully it will be good!

Wow, i dont know if anyone understood anything so far. I had to re-read what i wrote about bouddhism... and i stoped before i would forget everything i really understand but obviously cant explain!

Nevermind.

What you have to know is that i feel great about this experience. I ve done so much thinking about lots of you, about friendship and love, about anger and hated, about a whole buch of mistakes i've made... Human-experience as you live ten days with people you dont speak to, but to whom you somehow feel so connected; and that proved to be right after we left and had the best diner-party in town (braslians are crazy people!). Intellectual experience too, as through meditation you can honestly adress deep issues like death that you would never think about otherwise. The whole experience of observing the mind without clinging to thoughts, without judging, is just amazing; believe me. I may not be a better person yet; but i'm looking for situations to experience things; to experience if being mindfull about others, loving and compassionate, is a path to lasting happiness.

And if it's not, at least i'm sure not to hurt anyone during that time!

For those who might be worried about me (Mommy...) , there's absolutely no reasons! I love what i do, i'm excited for what's still to come, and i'm putting together some good projects for later!

May you all be happy! :oD